An Open Letter to Veronica Sawyer (Who I Killed)
by QiZ
Summary: You know this is all your fault right? I mean… I know that's a pretty big generalization, but you see where I'm coming from with this, right?


You know this is all your fault right?

I mean…

I know that's a pretty big generalization, but you see where I'm coming from with this, right?

I was just fine before you came into my life. Just fine before you crawled in through my window.

I had a…

…

I had a mom who committed suicide, and I had a dad who was an asshole.

I passed through school after school, and nobody knew me, and nobody cared.

Least of all me.

I smoked like a chimney and I spent my nights at the 7-11 so I could just pass the time.

It wasn't a good life or anything, but I was USED to it. I knew what to expect and I wasn't ever disappointed.

I mean, it's pretty hard to disappoint someone who never expects anything good to happen to them.

But then I rolled into this town and there you were, this chick who wanted to know my name, who cared about what happened to me, and it was good. It was real nice; you know?

I finally felt like I had something to live for, someONE to live for.

But you had problems too.

You had this friend who was a capital B Bitch, and a posse of people who would just hang on her every word.

She used you, and abused you, and I couldn't help but wonder why you just stood there and TOOK it.

What was going through your head all that time?

Did you really think that it was worth it?

I bet it was at some point. I bet it was great to stand there with the popular kids and have everyone staring at you, and wanting you, and wanting to BE you.

I bet it must have felt great to be worshiped like a god while you stood up there on Mount Olympus.

You must have felt like hell on wheels.

But at some point it must have gone sour, right?

Something must have happened for you to start hating your golden perch up there. What was it?

Was it something that they said? Was it something they did? Was it something they had you do?

I guess it doesn't matter really, but whatever it was, it must have felt like you were empty on the inside and dead on the out.

Welcome to my world baby, have a seat, take a number. The doctor will see you again soon.

And I'm not exactly a hundred percent on what exactly it was that made you feel that way, but like I said, it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that at that point… I was right there beside you.

I was there and I saw you looking so down, like how I felt when I was all alone, and there wasn't anything in the world that I wanted more than to protect your smile.

I wanted you to feel as good as I felt when I was with you, because that was the least I could do, right?

Well… we both know how that ended up, huh?

All I did was what I thought was right, I never got why people seemed to just take all the SHIT that life decided to throw at them.

You, and everyone else, just stand there, and laugh through your tears, and cry all night, and fix your makeup in the morning so that you don't look like you spent all afternoon bawling your eyes out, so you could go to some shitty party at the end of the week, and drink, and pretend that everything was ok.

And I'm rambling but you get the point: I just wanted to do something to help you.

But when I finally did help you, you were just SO SCARED of me that I wasn't sure what you'd do.

And I wasn't sure what I could have done to make you feel better then, because that time, I was the one who made you feel that way.

And that killed me.

That killed me because all I wanted to do was make you feel the way you made me feel.

But that's water under the bridge now, I guess, huh?

Can't turn back the clock.

…

I've got a plan, to make it so that everything'll have to start over again, from the beginning, and I really just wish you were here to see it.

Part of me thinks that if you had seen things my way, that you didn't have to just take it, that you could do something about it, that you would have really appreciated what I did, and what I'm going to do, for you.

Cause this is all for you, you know?

I was just fine before you came into my life, drifting from place to place, smoking, drinking, slushies. I didn't know any better.

I didn't know that life could be so much more.

And then you opened my eyes.

And you showed me a world that was worth fighting for, and something to live for, and I was happy.

Do you get what that means to me?

I was _happy._

I'd never felt that before in my life.

You brought me into this world like something pure and gave me a new life, and all I wanted to do was to repay you for what you had done.

But I guess I fucked that up too.

So I'm going to make everyone pay for what they made me do for you.

And then after that…

…

I guess I don't really know WHAT I'll do.

Guess I'll have to figure that out as I go, huh?

Well, whatever.

See you on the other side,

JD


End file.
